And again.

The Present:
     My ears hurt from being on the phone all day.  My stomach feels like there is a rabid hedgehog poking around in there.  My heart, physically and spiritually, hurts.  Middle is in the hospital again, having been removed in handcuffs from the residential treatment center for trying to hurt herself.  She is in Bakersfield this time.  She can't go back to the place she was and the prospect of her coming home, still unable to cope with her issues makes me ill.  We don't have the money to send her anywhere without the insurance helping and since the benefit was created for the place she was at...I just don't know what will happen.  I ache for the child that grew in my heart from the moment I saw her. I rage against the whatever this all is that has taken her away from me.  No one can put a definitive label on what is the root of it.  I want that closure, the knowledge, give me an answer so I can go inform myself and be prepared.
The Past:
     I took her in becausee she was desperate to go to school like her sister.  She had to be tested for early childhood.   I really didn't think there was a chance she would be accepted, she didn't have any needs or concerns.  She blew the test out of the water.  We were told her I.Q. which was a moment to breathe, she was in the normal range, something that worried at the back of my mind since the moment the doctor in Alaska told us that she was FAS.  It was good to breathe.
The Future:
     A big pop up question mark.  Nobody has any answers, least of all me.  It sucks.

Today, May 27, 2012

I blinked and it was already May.  As a child I remember that May was always the longest month next to December-waiting for school to end and Santa to arrive makes time slow when you are under 12.  As an adult it seems like the months grow shorter, there is never enough time to get things done.  So here we are...
 The Present:
     The middle child is still at a residential treatment place to get help for her depression and cutting issues.  I am still angry...no an anger anger really but a sadness anger.  Truth be told there is a lot of resentment there as well.  I don't understand why she chooses to hurt herself.  I know the clinical responses, I can read thank you...I just don't understand why she does it...I really don't think she wants to, but she wants attention from others and this is a very dramatic way to get it. 
      Oldest child...she is doing okay.  She makes me crazy in a whole other set of ways, most notably her constant mood swings and attitudes.  She is trying hard to grow up and be responsible, but some days the emotional growth and the physical growth are hundreds of miles apart.
      Youngest Child:  He got his beautiful golden curls cut off today.  I am weepy.  He looks so odd to my eyes right now.  He steals my kisses and I adore him. He needs a nap.
      The Husband: My rock...I love him more than the day I married him.  He puts up with me and the monsters.
       Me:  Angry, fat (okay huge), in pain.  I  some days don't want to get up, but I do.  Constantly worrying is taking a huge toll on me, emotionally and physically.  I want to go see my family in Texas, but I can't because I have to pay the bills from the middle's problems...and I resent it so much knowing that I shouldn't resent it because it's an illness (it had better be anyway).

The Past:
 They were sitting on the counter in the bathroom, wrapped in towels as we blew their hair dry.  Laughing. 

The Future:
 I will go wipe my eyes and blow my nose and go sew.  I can pretend that I am not on the ragged edge of sanity and that I am not stressed beyond measure over this whole mess...