Today, May 27, 2012

I blinked and it was already May.  As a child I remember that May was always the longest month next to December-waiting for school to end and Santa to arrive makes time slow when you are under 12.  As an adult it seems like the months grow shorter, there is never enough time to get things done.  So here we are...
 The Present:
     The middle child is still at a residential treatment place to get help for her depression and cutting issues.  I am still angry...no an anger anger really but a sadness anger.  Truth be told there is a lot of resentment there as well.  I don't understand why she chooses to hurt herself.  I know the clinical responses, I can read thank you...I just don't understand why she does it...I really don't think she wants to, but she wants attention from others and this is a very dramatic way to get it. 
      Oldest child...she is doing okay.  She makes me crazy in a whole other set of ways, most notably her constant mood swings and attitudes.  She is trying hard to grow up and be responsible, but some days the emotional growth and the physical growth are hundreds of miles apart.
      Youngest Child:  He got his beautiful golden curls cut off today.  I am weepy.  He looks so odd to my eyes right now.  He steals my kisses and I adore him. He needs a nap.
      The Husband: My rock...I love him more than the day I married him.  He puts up with me and the monsters.
       Me:  Angry, fat (okay huge), in pain.  I  some days don't want to get up, but I do.  Constantly worrying is taking a huge toll on me, emotionally and physically.  I want to go see my family in Texas, but I can't because I have to pay the bills from the middle's problems...and I resent it so much knowing that I shouldn't resent it because it's an illness (it had better be anyway).

The Past:
 They were sitting on the counter in the bathroom, wrapped in towels as we blew their hair dry.  Laughing. 

The Future:
 I will go wipe my eyes and blow my nose and go sew.  I can pretend that I am not on the ragged edge of sanity and that I am not stressed beyond measure over this whole mess...