And again.

The Present:
     My ears hurt from being on the phone all day.  My stomach feels like there is a rabid hedgehog poking around in there.  My heart, physically and spiritually, hurts.  Middle is in the hospital again, having been removed in handcuffs from the residential treatment center for trying to hurt herself.  She is in Bakersfield this time.  She can't go back to the place she was and the prospect of her coming home, still unable to cope with her issues makes me ill.  We don't have the money to send her anywhere without the insurance helping and since the benefit was created for the place she was at...I just don't know what will happen.  I ache for the child that grew in my heart from the moment I saw her. I rage against the whatever this all is that has taken her away from me.  No one can put a definitive label on what is the root of it.  I want that closure, the knowledge, give me an answer so I can go inform myself and be prepared.
The Past:
     I took her in becausee she was desperate to go to school like her sister.  She had to be tested for early childhood.   I really didn't think there was a chance she would be accepted, she didn't have any needs or concerns.  She blew the test out of the water.  We were told her I.Q. which was a moment to breathe, she was in the normal range, something that worried at the back of my mind since the moment the doctor in Alaska told us that she was FAS.  It was good to breathe.
The Future:
     A big pop up question mark.  Nobody has any answers, least of all me.  It sucks.