This is about choices...

This post has nothing to do with the middle child.  It's all about the oldest one.  She is 15...very very 15.  She is beginning to take baby steps towards her future.  This past weekend she was baptized.  Admittedly I have been lax in teaching the kids about religion, so it fell to the nieghborchild and her pastor family to formally introduce the oldest to church on a regular basis.  I have always tried to instil values of acceptance and tolerance in the kids...all of a sudden she made some rather judgemental statements.  Hmmm. About the same time she decided to the lead singer in a friends band.  The band is loosely made up of some friends who kinda play instruments.  I didn't see anything coming of it and had to giggle in my hand when she told me that they we going to be a punk band (the Squnky Rocker on Wonder Pets is the only exposure to punk she has ever had- Oy oy oy!). And the boyfriend...I am not looking forward to him moving because I know that she is going to be so  miserable.  He is a nice kid and bonus he is smart.  All of this hit the perfect storm last night.He pastor told her she was going to go to Hell along with the boyfriend because she hasn't brought him to God, she told a band mate she didn't like the punk stuff (in reality more like goth) because it was depressing and had awkward talking, so she was kicked out of the band and she is hormonal. I believe that she has to figure out a balance for herself.  If I do it for her then how is she going to learn...I can give her advice, but I can't make her take it or even listen sometimes.  Of course when I tell all this to my mom she just laughs and reminds me of the very sage advice she gave me as a teenager...go wash your hair, you'll feel better.  I had the cleanest, shiniest hair in the world for a few years, but I also figured it out mostly and nobody was totally emotionally scarred.  Leap with both feet kiddo towards the future, just trust that a net made of your decisions will catch you.  Mommy will be over here with the camera.

She's on the phone...

Taking to the suicide prevention hot line after cutting her arm.  I am finding no comfort in anything.  I am so angry at the hospital for letting her out, particularly the social worker that really seemed to no care a bit about her.  She told me earlier that she hates our family and that she would rather live in a group home.  She would rather be anywhere but here.  The whole time she was in the hospital and the last week before she left the treatment center she had cried and begged to come home.  I am so tired of the illness that affects her... us all.

Running in circles, chasing normal

The Present:
  I have driven all over California.  At least that is the way it feels today.  In a surprise turn the middle was released from the hospital yesterday.  After an avalanche of phone calls between the insurance company, me, the hospital, a potential care center, my mom and dad, an an agency that provides counseling services and the school district office, the oldest, the youngest and I headed to three hours to pick her up.  She assaulted a staff member day before yesterday, had been put in isolation for so behaviours that quite frankly make me angry, has had several melt downs and is refusing to eat, but hey, she's okay to come home.  I am just destroyed by all of this.  I know that the stress is hurting me in every way possible.  I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore.  I am really not sure I want to deal with her right now.  I feel like I am faking every emotion except anger right now.  I am a big crying mess.  We had been in the car for less than twenty minutes on the way back before she was back to acting the way she was before she went to the hospital.  She asked a random stranger at the gas station we stopped at for a cigarette.  I can't trust her to be in a room by herself.  Did I mention I have two other kids to care for too...hello.  The youngest told her that she can't hurt herself anymore, it hurts his heart.  My words out of the mouth of a three year old.  At that point I just cried because that's all I can do.

The Past:
   I can't write about it today.  I am grieving the little girl that was there too much.
The Future:
   Errands, housecleaning...faking it.